Open letter

Addressed to ____________,
As always, my conversations with Erin tend to stick in my mind. Our rapport, though fraught with complications, is fairly electric...good chemistry in many ways. One such discussion evolved into the out-loud authoring of "open letters" to various cities, establishments, charities (thanks, Lucier) as an effort to mock apologize for her "bad behavior." While this discussion was meant in jest, I got to thinking about the value of open letters and other such things. I don't know why I've explained all of this--context, perhaps.

Due to recent events, namely the release of "He's Just Not That Into You," (their chosen emphasis; personally, I feel it was not the wise choice...another post entirely) and possibly my recent break-up, I've been thinking about relationships: their value, how to deal with them, in them, without them...and I can't say I've come to any sound conclusions but I do have some opinions I would like to share.

To begin, it is necessary to mention that relationships are messy. We know this, we remind ourselves of this and yet, are always surprised when they actually prove their "messiness." Human interaction is inherently human, meaning it is fucked up, not always kind and often difficult to assess. There are so many intangibles that must be considered and yet...how the fuck is one supposed to do that? It is here that I will mention that absolute need, in any relationship (sexual, familial, bffl) to approach any interaction/discussion with as much kindness, patience as one can muster. When one is hurt, angry, horny, drunk, hormonal, etc. it is difficult to remember this. However, if we are to develop into semi-decent citizens or value said relationships (or future karmic action) WE MUST REMEMBER THIS. Rejection, fights...these never feel good. Attempt to maintain as much dignity as possible, and do the same for your partner/friend, etc. Life is undignified enough. Don't. Make. It. Worse. Momentary satisfaction or oneupsmanship are of little value in the long run...These difficult moments tend to hurt enough...the stripping of dignity for the sake of punctuating/prolonging humiliation is downright vicious and ultimately, accomplishes nothing except more bad energy for the universe to deal with. Be thought of as decent, rather than the asshole responsible for Darfur and various other catastrophic events. As Martha would say, "it's a good thing." The ultimate purpose of "ending things," and the process of moving on is only made easier if mutual dignity is preserved.

Next: Talk about things. This is hard for me. I will admit this. Buh. My feelings are mine, I always insist. What is the value of sharing? Ron is wrong in this line of thinking. There is lots of value in "sharing." Know that I am not advocating marathon, tear-filled discussions every day nor do I feel that the constant airing of grievances is effective. However, well-placed honesty never hurt nobody. Be constructive, thoughtful and please...be fucking honest. Again, honesty need not be cruel or cutting. But, stay true to who you are. If that doesn't involve the other person, tell them as soon as you get that initial inkling. We are all too young to wait around...if it's not there, if you haven't/won't "change," if you aren't attracted to or particularly interested in someone/something...say it. Gently. Don't make make plans or promises you cannot or will not keep. Its not fair to you or the other person. Emotionally investing in someone is difficult and esp. crushing when you feel as if you've been duped. Just saying.

Also...it's ok to be alone. That is all I will say about that. Except: if you don't like yourself, you cannot expect anyone else to. So, figure that shit out and start being the best version of yourself so that the orgasms, skipping, sunshine and stars-in-your-eyes can start.

I cannot stress enough the importance of focusing on the redemptive quality of the human spirit. Often, this mentality has gotten me in some trouble. Yet it has also helped me survive. Some life experiences have been violent, painful, soul-crushing. In the wake of such trauma, it is difficult to remember anything but such violence/pain. Yet, the only way I have been able to move on is to focus on this redemptive quality. Maybe it is grounded in delusion, perhaps it is merely a coping mechanism. I guess that is for you to decide. I will say that it has worked for me. Many times. Terrible things happen and I speak broadly, not merely in terms of relationships. If we have any chance at happiness, we must stress forgiveness and redemption versus emphasizing the miserable complications of human existence. People aren't always nice and we all fuck up constantly, but all we can hope for is that we will be forgiven because our inherent value is recognized. The Dahmers of the world may serve as an exception, but even then, rage and hate are consuming emotions of little value. We may only get one go-around; if this is it, it has to count. And hate causes premature aging, so...you work it out.

That being said, it is ok to be sad. I was once asked "Don't you just ever want to be sad?" My "optimism" was apparently bothersome. I am sad. Let yourself be sad. Let's discuss the distinction between being sad and feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sad: maybe a tear or two (the whole notion of a "good cry" doesn't wash with me, but if it works for you...congrats,) some wine, some cigarettes, a few hours spent with Alanis, post-Uncle Joey. Talk to your friends if they get you. Go out. Stay in. This is what I do. This is my version of feeling sad. Insert your own ideas. Feeling sorry for yourself: failing to accept, dumping all over everyone in your life, dumping all over yourself...becoming impossible to deal with; allowing anger and misery to consume you to the point where you are no longer effective.

Apologize if you feel you've hurt someone. It's never too late. It might not end as it would in the movies, but there is something to be said for an alleviated conscience.

As someone who would self-describe as "moody" and has been described as "reactionary," I get that I am not the easiest person to figure out. Blame it on the planets, my hormones, whatever...I can be difficult. But I also know that I am capable of great love...la bruja in Bolivia who read my tea leaves told me. Perhaps this means that I am destined to have my heart broken, but I will never give up on this aspect of myself. I don't regret my decisions in pursuit of love, even if they have ended poorly. As I have said, I so rarely "let go"...to feel that way, if only for a moment, is reason enough to keep trying. I would not be where I am without these experiences, for better or worse. And I think I might like myself a wee bit...so, pas mal.

Remember to smile. SUPERSTAR!